I think it should be safe to say that most people, having gone through secondary education in Nigeria, would be familiar with Professor Wole Soyinka’s poem, Telephone Conversation. If not I’ll tell you what it’s about – racism.

This poem written in the early 60’s about pure unadulterated and unapologetic racism can explain, very neatly, the racism that feeds the extraordinarily strong desire for straight hair sweeping every black community in the world.

“What is the connection between how we chose to wear our hair and racism?” A good friend asked when I mentioned writing this article to her. “Stop this politicizing of beauty Lekia! You’re over-thinking this weave thing. Choosing to wear weave at the end of the day, is a choice and it doesn’t tell how much a woman loves herself.”

I took my time to explain. 

Always good to start at the beginning. A black man looking for room to rent discovers one in which the price is reasonable, the location ok and best all the landlady doesn’t live in the same house or so she said. But from experience he has been turned down many times because white landlords/ladies will not rent to black people, so while speaking to her on the phone, he says he is African… he is not ready for another futile trip.

The price seemed reasonable, location
Indifferent. The landlady swore she lived
Off premises. Nothing remained
But self-confession. "Madam" , I warned,
"I hate a wasted journey - I am African."

Then the unadulterated racist question is asked;

“HOW DARK? …. “ARE YOU LIGHT OR VERY DARK”

Then she swaps it around but basically wants to know the extent of his ‘Africanness’.

“ARE YOU DARK OR VERY LIGHT?”

And his reply:

"West African sepia"_ and as afterthought.
"Down in my passport."

The landlady has never heard of the word ‘sepia’ before.

"WHAT'S THAT?" conceding "DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS."

"Like brunette."

"THAT'S DARK, ISN'T IT?"

Now the conversation becomes interesting with his reply.

 “Not altogther. Facially, I am brunette, but madam you should see

The rest of me. Palm of my hand, soles of my feet

Are a peroxide blonde. Friction, caused –

Foolishly, madam – by sitting down, has turned

My bottom raven black – One moment madam!” – sensing

Her receiver rearing on the thunderclap

About my ears – “Madam, “ I pleaded, “wouldn’t you rather

See for yourself?”

Racism has driven this black man seeking accommodation to make ludicrous claims to whiteness, to erase his Africanness as much as he can, to become as near white as is possible for a black West African so he can be acceptable in the white landlady’s eyes. Of course the writer employs sarcasm here, but the irony is that this is what institutional racism requires, or rather demands of Africans, and willingly or not we have complied.

The machinery of racism has run so smoothly and become so institutionalized and internalized that the ‘landladies’ and ‘landlords’ of the institutions don’t need to directly ask that question any more. Whether adjusting our names to sound more English (they can’t pronounce my indigenous name many site as the reason, er neither can we pronounce their English names), or changing it altogether. In the eyes of the racist ‘landlord’ we are more acceptable as John the African rather than Jideofor the African.

Enters another aspect of our Africanness we can change – HAIR! The discrimination in Telephone Conversation is just a microcosm of the discrimination you find in every industry, but I’ll focus on the beauty and fashion industry. This industry has seen to it that very few black women are featured and when they decide to, you can almost hear the question, “HOW DARK? …. “ARE YOU LIGHT OR VERY DARK?” In other words, how African do you look?

We reply, almost like the West African Sepia man in the poem, “facially I am brunette but you should see my hair, it’s peroxide blond!” Aka Caucasian and sometimes we do go the extra mile, and don the peroxide blond weave. The ‘landlords’ concede, allowing the West African Sepia with the Caucasian hair on TV, on the magazine cover, on adverts, in movies and on the runway.

The brunette face but ‘white’ hair has prevailed and become an acceptable adjustment.  An adjustment only people of African descent feel the need to make. No other women feel the need to wear fake Afro hair except of course for caricature purposes. The landlords/ladies of the industry have made us believe that the African woman with the Caucasian hair looks more presentable for a corporate environment, more beautiful for a magazine cover, just right for an advert and so on, and now, that look, the African woman with the Caucasian-type hair has come to represent beauty, sophistication, professionalism, ease of maintenance and wealth. To a point where you would be hard-pressed to see an African child with just her own hair, the only children in the whole world who wear extensions (including weaves) as a normal hair styling practice. And yes, hair is political, always has been, in every era and every culture. Next time you don Caucasian-type hair remember the message it carries to Caucasians, to the ‘landlords’ of the fashion and beauty industry, to any industry and most importantly to our children. 

In a world were looks matter wearing your natural hair texture goes a long way in saying who you are, as an advert for Pantene Pro V says “Our hair celebrates who we are.”


I think I can hear someone scream, “I am not my hair!”

Ok ok easy, before you get too upset, two things, firstly neither are you your finger, body shape, skin colour, (get the picture?) but it all forms part of the story of who you are. Secondly, try imagine a white woman who constantly wears Afro wigs/weaves, never giving her own hair a chance to peek out, feeling beautiful only in the Afro, wouldn’t that say something about her, her mind, her thinking, her self esteem, her idea of self-love?

Unfortunately for black women who want to celebrate who they really are and wear their own texture, it is not always as simple as going out there and just being you.

There are a lot of perceived roadblocks to going and staying natural. Here are a few and tips on how to tackle them. 

        Time

   Include your hair regime in your to do list, and if you don’t have one create one. Before you go to bed each night write a list of the most important things to get done the next day, and keep to that list, seriously, keep to the list. It is so easy to get distracted and that can lead to time being wasted. We then spend a lot of time agonizing that we have so much to do, feel overwhelmed and then sit around and agonize some more. If you are following a list, you don’t have much time or energy to worry about what needs to be done, you just go ahead and do it.

       Difficulty in management

Afro hair is really and truly not difficult to manage if you know what to do. If your hair is too tangled to comb, wet it, better still wash it. Water is magical in loosening Afro hair. Finger detangle as much as you can before you wash and condition. While hair is still damp braid or twist and leave to dry. If you wash during the day, you can use a scarf or hat if you have to go out, if you washed before bed, tie with a silk scarf before you hit the sack. Style your dry, clean and stretched hair the next morning. And if it’s a wash and go you want to rock, even better, no need for the braiding bit.

        Lack of variety

Sorry but this one makes me laugh – not enough variety? You must be joking. It would take way too much time to list all the variety of styles you can rock with loose Afro, cornrows, braids, cornrow and braids combo, twist, twist out, flat twist, twist and braid combo, bantu knots, bantu knot out, locs, wavy locs, up-does both with locs and loose Afro and of course, good ol’ threading. Just go to YouTube. And there are more yet to be created – it could be you coming up with the next knock-out style!

Lack of products 

Honestly? You don’t need that many products. The most important product your hair needs is actually free - water, lovely glorious water, but yes you can’t just stand in the rain to get your hair clean and styled, so you need a good shampoo and conditioner. Really soap is soap and most commercial shampoos and conditioners can be used, but if you want to avoid harsh chemicals, (which generally is the best thing to do) you might have to do a little more research into finding synthetic chemical–free shampoos and conditioners.

The same goes with keeping your hair moisturized. There are many products out there in the market making all sorts of claims, but again using natural chemicals against synthetic ones is always best. Personally I use Shea Butter once a week after a washing my hair, and castor oil daily (on damp hair) because my hair is really thick. It also depends on the style I’ve got. If I am rocking a cornrow for instance, I moisturize my hair every other day by just spritzing with water and oil. You can also use Argan, coconut or olive oil.

Lack of confidence

It takes confidence to defy the status quo and go against the grain especially if your livelihood depends on you looking in a certain way. Solange to me has successfully gone against the grain and defined her beauty in her own terms. For us ordinary folk.... it's what would friends say, what would family say, what would people at work say? I remember getting my hair cut in a salon a few years back, when I heard another customer saying she does not have the confidence to have her natural hair styled. The hairdresser had asked her why she always tied her hair back in a bun after washing. Many times women have said to me how they wish they could wear their natural hair. When I ask why not, they would sight opposition from work environment, friends and family or not having enough hair. Basically they didn’t want to stick out like a sore thumb. 

Personally I feel terrible that black women and girls are made to feel this way about their own hair and in as much as I know we should not let what other people think determine what we do, as a species social interaction and acceptance is vital for survival and so other people’s opinions are not always easy to ignore. However remember this: Being bold in who you are commands respect and respect is attractive. It may not always be an easy path to take but it is a worthy path. Following the ‘crowd’ to the detriment of your uniqueness may get you accepted but not truly respected.

Perceived negative judgement

 Sometimes what we think others are thinking about us may not necessarily be the case. Yes there are people who will say negative things about your natural hair texture, but I can assure you there would be many more admiring the uniqueness of your hair, all is needed is for you to showcase the beauty that is your hair. Try it and you will surprise yourself.

 And if you want to go the extra mile, say it with a Tee, with the Project Embrace 'I am Enough Tshirts! Not only will you be getting yourself a fantastic Tshirt you will be helping to raise money for a worthy cause - The Project Embrace billboard campaign.

What do you think might be holding you back from returning to your natural texture? Do you have any other suggestions? I would love to hear from you.

Now you see it, now you don’t – the magic of Afro hair. I remember a white colleague of mine years ago say to me, “Lekia, I’ve just got to ask, you come into work with your hair long, then it’s short, so I think you’ve had a haircut, but then few days later it’s long again, how on earth do you do it?”

I had to smile. I told her it’s the nature of my hair, it’s able to shrink and stretch. 

If you ask most women what is the one thing that gets them frustrated about their hair and they would say SHRINKAGE. When you live in a culture where long hair is attributed to femininity and beauty, it can be difficult to see beauty in short hair, and even more frustrating to know your hair is long but doesn’t look it.

But you don’t have to view shrinkage this way…

To get the best out of your Afro textured hair and enjoy it, you have to embrace this unique characteristic. Fighting it will only lead to frustration and resentment, and it is never healthy resenting anything that belongs to you.

The shrinkage makes certain styles possible, like preventing 2 strand twists from unravelling, or creating the roundness of an Afro, I call it the halo-effect.  The curl pattern and shrinkage of Afro hair gives it an appearance of being really full, much fuller than naturally straight hair even though it has fewer hair shafts than straight hair.

However there is more to shrinkage than good looks – pay attention, here’s the science bit …

The tight curl of the Afro hair protects the head from intense UV radiation and provides an airy cooling effect because of its sparse density. This cooling effect facilitates the regulation of body temperature. When straight hair is wet, it sticks to the body, not so with Afro hair. It does not respond in the same way to moisture like straight hair, but just imagine if it did, it would be so uncomfortable in a hot climate!

The unfortunate thing is that we don’t choose to think this way about our hair and shrinkage. The indoctrination starts when we have no discerning power. The dolls we play with all have long straight hair, the children in the children’s books (think Disney princesses) and movies (still think Disney princesses) mostly have long straight hair, children in adverts (TV and print) and TV programmes have straight hair. The proportion of children with tight curls to those with straight mostly blond hair visible in the public arena, is so negligible, the tight-curled-hair children may not even exist.

It is a tricky task getting to love something that is completely ignored in the wider beauty circles, but not impossible. Re-educating ourselves about our hair and its unique characteristics is a great place to start.

Shrinkage should not be viewed as something to be remedied but something to be embraced. You are enough, enjoy your own beauty.

OR

What is the valentine best gift you can receive? You might be thinking a car, a house, some beautiful flowers, a holiday, cash, clothes. I know I know the list is endless isn’t it? While all those things are nice, that is not the best gift you can ever receive, because the best gift cannot be given to you by anyone but you.

Yes, only you can give yourself the best gift you can ever get. The gift that is more important than anything you can receive. The gift that can get you all other gifts. This is the mother of all gifts.

One of the reasons why we may not have given ourselves this gift is because, we cannot see why. We look at ourselves and do not see enough reason to give it to ourselves. We look at other people though and believe they are deserving of this gift, so when we can, we lavish them with this gift, forgetting to give it to ourselves first and foremost. We think we have to have what  A or B has to receive this gift.

Wanting something others have is a behaviour most children display. We the adults despair as a child suddenly wants something because another child has got it, meanwhile the object of interest had been laying around with no interest expressed until one child goes for it, then the war ensues.

 Somehow many of us do not manage to shake off this, oh what should I call it… feeling, and we miss out on reasons why we should give ourselves this precious gift.

As we grow up, we are presented with this narrow yardstick of how to be and look, and if we don’t live up to that we feel terrible about ourselves.  We may not be able to change who we are, but to an extent we can change how we look. Sometimes the feeling to change how we look is so intense we do dangerous things and endure so much pain to change the ‘offending’ feature. This may be because we do not believe we can be loved for who we are, warts (mostly perceived) and all.

Watching a programme on TV called body shockers few days back reminded me of how far some of us can go.  We hope it will give us more confidence, get us noticed more favourably or make us just feel better about ourselves, and maybe just maybe we might be able to get this mother of all gifts.

So have you guessed what this gift is yet? I dropped a hint earlier. If you thought, loving myself completely, you are absolutely right ;-). The best gift you can receive is to love yourself completely, just as you are, and only when you do that that anyone else can love you warts and all. When you do, all other gifts follow.

The How: Steps to Loving yourself totally

Step 1
Look in the mirror just as you are (no make-up please)and say I am enough. If you have a weave it might be tricky to remove it, so imagine yourself with your own natural hair, no matter how you think it/you may look. Because you are not as bad as you think. Someone out there wishes they had your eyes, or talent, your hair (yes just as it is!). Say it over and over. Try and do it every morning say when you are brushing your teeth.

Step 2
Decide not to be treated any less than a worthy person deserves. No one can value what you have unless you first do that yourself.

Step 3
Resolve to stop criticizing yourself, even for your mistakes. The decisions you make, the way you look, your habits, is the best way you can be. Being the best version of you is the best gift you can give anyone. Believe these words I am enough

Step 4 
Reject anything and anyone that does not celebrate who you are. If you feel you need to change your body or hair for anyone or anything, even yourself, then you are not loving yourself enough.

Step 5
Start treating your body and hair with respect. No dangerous chemicals or unhealthy food. Nurture with nutrients and the right minerals. Treating the outside with pride can lead to treating the inside the same way.

Step 6
There will be days when you just feel so terrible, about you, about your body, about your hair, just remember what psychologist and best-selling author Ian Wallace said: “Why are you trying to fit in when you are born to stand out.”… and through clenched teeth say I am enough.

When you adopt and live this philosophy, people will respect and love you for you, warts and all.

What would you add to the list, what do you think someone can do to demonstrate they truly love themselves? I would love to hear from you.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

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The title of this blog is borrowed from a book I read over 15 years ago by John Berger that opened up my eyes to how beauty is perceived.  According to Berger, “The way we see things is affected by what we know or believe.” 

Our belief is formed gradually by what is presented to us from childhood. The more often we hear about a particular story the truer it becomes to us. For instance, the more we are told that white colour represents purity, then we eventually start to see white as a colour with positive associations, of course this is true if we are born say in South America. However for someone born in Japan or China, the ‘story’ of the colour white would be a different one, one that represents death and mourning.

Both individuals from the different cultures I mentioned will look at the same colour, white, but would see different things. Both individuals will see a woman dressed in white in 2 different ways, their way of seeing will be informed by their belief.

As the renowned motivational speaker Les Brown says, “we are all born into a story”.

I know you know where I am going with this. Yep you are right, what then is the story of the Afro hair that we were born into? To help you answer that, let’s examine the story of what makes a beautiful woman in the Western world, and I choose Western, because the narrative of the West greatly influences African (black) stories. 

To do this I have to go to American model Cameron Russell and her Ted Talk titled, “Looks Aren’t Everything, Believe Me I am a Model.”
In her fascinating and honest Talk, Russell says, “I am a model because I am a pretty white girl. Beauty is defined as…. White skin”. And what comes with white skin? Well done if you said straight hair. She said she is able to become a model because she inherited a legacy. Bear with me - another question, and what is that legacy? Another point to you if you said straight hair and white skin.

The story of beauty that we have been born into is pale skin and straight hair. 

Is it any wonder then that the beauty and fashion industry is dominated by white models?

Is it any wonder that the way of seeing beauty is pale skin and straight hair?

Is it any wonder that those not born with this legacy, try to transform their looks with skin bleaching, hair straightening and straight hair extensions?

Is it any wonder that the first black female millionaire was someone who showed us how to straighten our hair?

Unfortunately we don’t realise these stories because we are born into them. We are told right from the word go that beautiful hair has to be long and straight, so immediately you are able to, you make your hair beautiful by straightening it, and if you can’t your mother does it for you.

We are literally stunned and mesmerized by what we see in the media and that idea of beauty becomes imbedded in our sub-conscious. According to research, 9 out of 10 of our decisions are from our subconscious mind.

 This is well demonstrated by a line in the movie Magnolia by Paul Thomas Anderson, that goes, “….we might be through with the past but the past ain’t through with us”

The past stigma (story) of Afro hair is not through with us, and a cursory look at black women the world over shows us this. Why is it that over 90% of black women will prefer or should I say choose to wear Caucasian or Caucasian looking hair? Why would returning natural be an event? Why would we have to ‘return’ natural anyway? 

This poem written in 1773 by the first published African-American woman, Phillis Wheatley, on being brought from Africa to America, gives an insight to resulting sentiments of the Western story.

'Twas mercy brought me from my Pagan land, 
Taught my benighted soul to understand that there's a God, 
That there's a Saviour too: Once I redemption neither sought nor knew. 
Some view our sable race with scornful eye, 
"Their colour is a diabolic die." 
Remember, Christians, Negros, black as Cain, 
May be refin'd, and join th' angelic train.

The part of the poem that really gets me is the last line and unfortunately we are still trying to join the angelic train as we seek to transform ourselves with hair that belongs to the ‘angelic’ race.

I think it is time to stop trying to join the ‘angelic’ race and bring out the angels in us, don’t you?

Instead of trying to change who we are, it is best striving to be the best of what we are, being the authentic you. 

How do we relate that to hair?  Instead of trying to make your hair be what it is not, try to work on helping it be what it is. Instead of trying to change its look and texture, work with your hair’s texture, enhance the texture, the best you can look is your authentic self.

The first step in getting beautiful hair is embracing your hair. Learn to love it, learn to appreciate its characteristics, learn to love its feel – touch your hair and love it... And if you are having challenges with that contact your hair mentor.

When I first returned to my natural texture, I got told this many times, “now that you are natural you’ll be limited in the hairstyles that you can do.” It seemed as if having the choice of hundreds of styles is what made any hair well, worthy. My answer was always so do you. And then I’ll ask, so how many different styles have you done in the last say3 months...6 months.... 1 year?... The answer was always, “ok I see your point.” 


The truth is that any hair texture is limited in the number of styles that they can rock. If my hair is not loc’d I cannot achieve the variety of looks a loc’d style can. If my hair were straightened, I cannot achieve the styles hair with Afro texture can achieve. Straight hair has its limits, Afro hair has its limits, indeed the degree of straightness or curliness determines the degree of limitation. 

However white little girls don’t seem to care that they cannot have lovely afro puffs, that their hair cannot stay in braids long enough, that cornrows don’t look as neat, that beads tend to keep falling out, that their hair (depending on the length) can get in the way, getting in their face, eyes and mouths sometimes, that water changes the look making it limb and sticking to the scalp. I don’t see white women worrying that they can’t rock a locs updo, an Afro or just having hair that doesn’t bow so visibly to the dictates of the weather, or have a hairstyle that you can go swimming with and it practically remains the same!

Recently a white mother asked me what swimming cap I used for my daughter because she thought her hair was dry after an hour swimming session. No her hair is not dry I explained, it just does not change that much when wet. There are so many things you can’t do with straight hair, but do the straight hair owners care? I-don’t-think-sooooo (sorry if you never listened to Gina Yashare back in the day).

So why then do we, who have Afro texture care that our hair can’t do a million and ten things? Why do we care that our hair doesn’t grow flat on our heads; that it doesn’t grow to our bums; that it doesn’t blow in the wind (how we even think that is a good thing shows the power of persuasion), that it doesn’t comb easily without water? Oh and by the way, straight hair tangles and brushing can be painful if not done carefully or if the ends have not been trimmed for a while.

When you are satisfied and appreciate what you have, you won’t bother with what others have got. Unfortunately , Afro hair has been so stigmatized for centuries as undesirable that we the ‘Afrotians’ have become so dissatisfied with it, that we look outward and seek to disguise it. It is no coincidence that majority, and that should read 98% of black teenagers have fake hair or have at least altered their hair (and even though I have not done a headcount it pretty much seems the case). Now look at white teenagers, almost 98% have their own hair. Hmmmm what kind of message do you think it sends out to the girls, both black and white? Is it a good message, a healthy message? Do you think black teenage girls will feel at par to the white girl in the beauty stakes? Does that matter?

That’s teenagers – what about the pre-teens, and younger children? More and more I see little girls in extension braids continuously, and hair extensions. I have noticed children in push chairs with weaves, yes weaves!! How many white children have you seen in hair extensions, going to school ladened with someone else’s hair or rather something else as hair?  Many of these children have started having the hair problems of older women. Imagine facing a life, from say age 2, where you have to rely on wigs, weaves and extensions for the rest of your life to feel beautiful. What kind of choice is that?

I hope with Project Embrace I can help fellow women and girl ‘Afrotians’ appreciate what we have got, because really and truly it is beautiful. Soft and spongy like my daughter would say and it feels oh so nice. All we need do is look after it, not destroy it, and we will be rewarded with beautiful hair. 

For tips on how to look after your natural afro hair, how to encourage your children to embrace their own hair and more please sign up below: 

When you learn about African history, well parts of it, outside of Africa, Nigeria my home country to be more precise, you learn some truths that we have refused to embrace.

I learnt about the true impact of colonization on our culture and mental wellbeing, on our religious beliefs and social institutions and it was not good. I learnt that Africa and anything associated with her was generally relegated to the unworthy or inferior heap – and in the world of beauty nothing was different.

Our features were ridiculed and mocked as ugly and inferior. Test upon test were carried out by Western scientist to prove that we were less intelligent than other races, and that kind of gave weight to promoting the fact that we were less appealing to look at. I felt the stigma and it stung real bad.

African nose, African skin colouring, African hair, all equalled ugly. So when I look at myself in all my African glory I thought, what am I supposed to do? Do I try to lighten my skin, uplift my nose and straighten my hair? I had been advised at various stages of my life starting from when I was a child to do all three. 

But for me the answer was a resounding NO! But I must add only after years of straightening my hair and enduring the pain and sores it gave me. 

By changing the natural texture of my hair, I felt I was agreeing with the thinking that African features are inferior when I straightened my hair. I may not lift my nose or lighten my skin, but I still subscribed to the fact that there was a beauty ideal better than mine.  I felt I was agreeing to all the other negative associations with people of African descent – that we were second class citizens, of inferior intelligence and of inferior beauty. It made me feel so ashamed to endorse this thinking by disguising my texture. Then after a while I felt angry, really angry that I had ever contemplated changing my hair texture to a supposedly more beautiful one. I cut off my processed hair and the sense of pride I felt was great.

However the desire to really do something about it other than cut my processed hair off, came after I had my daughter. The love I felt for this little being was so strong it made me cry. As she lay there in my arms fresh into the world, it dawned on me that as she grows up she is going to be bombarded with messages that tell her she is less than perfect. 

Who dare talk to my beautiful daughter like that?! Who dare tell her she is not acceptable because of the features she was born with? Who dare make her believe she has to change her looks, her hair, to conform and fit in and be acceptable and adored? Unfortunately the society dares, and if I don’t do something about it she too will believe the lie. She too will feel the need to change that which she has been blessed with, she too will see this blessing as a curse, She too will have an unhealthy dependency on texture-altering chemicals.

I couldn't bare to think that she will be a mimicking another’s beauty, be a copy-cat instead of owning her own beauty.

Well I had a choice – complain or do something. Hence Project Embrace was born. No more am I going to play along to this single idea of beauty. Not only is it damaging to our mental well-being but also to our physical health. It is a dangerous message being perpetrated by the media that there is only one way to be beautiful, only one way to have beautiful hair, and our young girls are carrying the brunt of this lie as they damage their follicles to wear “beautiful hair”. Why wear a wig/weave when you have got hair? Was my question to a teenager, she laughed and said “my hair can never look beautiful so I have to help it”.

I refuse to accept that the only way to have beautiful hair is for it to be long and straight. Our universe is diverse and so should the idea of beauty because we are not one homogeneous set of genes, we are a beautiful blend and mixture, coming out in different colours and hair types, not one is superior to the other.